3:30 am and I'm still up.  I don't understand why every time I feel like I have my life figured out things crumble.  I know I'm supposed to take the hits and get stronger, but I'm really not prepared for everything life has been tossing to me.  I feel so sad, guilty, and confused right now.

I'm sad because I just found out tonight that last night my ex went to a party and hooked up with some chick, not knowing she had a boyfriend.  Well the boyfriend showed up, beat him up, and made him tell the whole party that he raped her.  Then as he was on his way home the guy followed him and beat him up a second time.  I went over to his house, he has a bootprint on his forehead, swollen cheeks and a broken nose.  My heart broke for him.  Becca talked to his mom and she said she didn't know what to do because Julian doesn't talk to her and the only person he's ever opened up to and talked to was me.  Its true, I got Julian to tell me things he's never told people, I tried to be there for him, but he wasn't good for me.

I'm feeling guilty because there is a very strong part of me that doesn't want to be there for him.  That wants him to suffer, to know what it feels like to be down and have the only person you rely on to be gone.  I can't believe I honestly want someone to hurt so bad, but I'm healing and its hard.  I still want to throw up everything I eat.  I still can pick out every flaw in my entire body.  I'm happy when I'm away from him.  Yet I have this small voice in my head (very small) saying, "turn the other cheek".  I know his happiness isn't my responsibility but I feel like my conscience is telling me that I'm the only one who can truly help because I know the most of any person how his mind works.

He was my life for the last three years, he was my sun.  Which is the wrong place to put a boy, but that doesn't change the past.

I'm so confused I don't know what to do.  Becca wanted to go hang out with him tomorrow, but I'm meeting James' parents tomorrow, I'm not putting him on the backburner for Julian.  I told Julian I'd come over on Monday, but we'll see if he wants to.

I feel very angry and vengeful right now.  I want to find whoever did this and make them pay.  I want the people at the party to be held accountable for standing by and watching this happen.  I don't understand what kind of person would be alright watching someone get beat up.  I know this isn't my responsibility though, I'm not the judge and jury of humankind.  I just feel so powerless.

I'm not ready for all of this.  I want to be a kid again, I'm not strong enough to handle the heartache. 

Just to help me, I'll write about my day.  James, Chad (his roommate), Eric and I all went skating today.  Chad has an awesome camera and took some amazing pictures of all of us skating.  We skated Greenlake, Gasworks, and Bellevue.  One of my favorite memories of the day was Gasworks.  We had random people taking pictures of us, people cheering for us.  It felt so good, I felt special, as stupid as that sounds.  And at Greenlake there were so many people supportive of me, cheering for me and watching me.  I felt like I was important, that people cared what I did.  Maybe I'm reading into it too much, but it felt so nice.

Ok, so I'm supposed to be keeping a diary during my therapy.  I don't want to have to actually write anything down so I'm just going to use this.  If you don't want to read an entry that probably won't make any sense or have any clear point, you should probably delete me as a friend.  Otherwise, here is to 80 days of mindless rambling.

Today was a good day.  I woke up late, went shopping with Becca and her mom.  Went out for a couple drinks, watched Becca play soccer, then crashed on the couch and watched movies.  I feel a little more hopeful for the future.  I plan on talking to Becca's dad tomorrow about possibly staying here until the end of my next job cycle, which ends around October, at which point I'll probably be moving back into my parents house.  Not too sure how I feel about that one.  I'm veiwing that decision with as much trepidation and I think is possible for one to have.  Julian and I are split up for good.  FINALLY a break up where I actually feel like that person is gone and I'm fine by myself.  I'm trying to focus on not hating him, using that energy to love myself, but as I realize that the things I believe about myself are a direct result of the things he told me I just get angry.  I know I should just let it go but I'm honestly SUPER MAD.  I'm barely a 110lbs right now, and that's 10 more lbs than I weighed 2 weeks ago.  Why? because for the last two years despite my clothes falling off my body I was convinced I was a size 11.  Go me.  I'm pretty much force feeding myself these days although I almost feel like its turning me bulimic because more often than not, I get so nauseated from eating that I throw up my food.  And at Becca's I'm actually eating well balanced, evenly spaced meals.  I've talked to my counselor about it, and she just thinks that its a mind over matter deal.  I have to look in the mirror and see myself for who I am.  Its hard though.  Its hard seeing reality when I'm so used to relying on others to tell me what I'm worth.  I've had a hard time feeling pretty because I have been just average looking for the last couple years.  Its difficult to feel strong and worthwhile.  And when I have to stop myself and look harder, I get so angry.  But most of the blame lies on my shoulders.  Since I want to protect her identity we'll call my counselor LC (lady counselor:).  LC seems to think I have too much guilt and haven't spent enough time grieving, but I'm not too sure if I believe her quite yet.  The obvious answer to me is that for the last couple of years I've let men who were not good to me, or for me, dictate how I feel, act, and live.  The worst part is that I knowingly allowed this.  I knew Julian was terrible for me, I knew how I felt when I was away from him, how my self esteem rose.  Yet I constantly allowed myself to be sucked into the familar comfort zone.  So shame on me.  Becca talked to Julian at a party this weekend and apparently he had nothing mean to say about me, just that being friends again would be a really long process.  Uh yeah, its going to be an infinity long process because I'll never be his friend. I no longer care what happens to him.  What he did to me 3 weeks ago is unforgiveable.  Well, I forgave him, but that doesn't mean I have to like him.

Topic 2 would be the future.  I'm not sure exactly which pathway to take.  I can work 2nd shift, only see Julian for 30 min a day, but possibly miss counseling appointments, which would cause me to be locked up in the hospital until my 80days is up.  Not really a chance I'm willing to take. Or I can work 1st shift, see Julian a full 9 hours a day, plus possible overtime.  Its not really that I'm scared of seeing him, I honestly couldn't care less if he's anywhere near me.  I'm afraid that I will feel so bad that he has no one taking care of him anymore that I'll go talk to him, reach out, and quite frankly (excuse my language) let him F*** my life up some more.  I don't want to be his friend. I wish to have minimal contact with him in the near future.  On the other hand I need this job to pay off my bills that I ran late on, and save up some money to go back to school.  My parents are willing to help me out with school as long as I'm living at home, helping out with my siblings and chores and working a part time job.  It seems like a good plan to me.  I'd be getting away from some of the friends that entice me to do self destructive things.

Topic 3 is boys.  I have no clue why this feels important enough to write down but it does so I'm writing.  Currently there is no one serious in my life.  Yet there are two guys who are just about always on my mind.  Boy #1 I met in Chelan, I nicknamed him Jacob Black because, well he looks like Jacob Black *twilight*.  He's tall, good looking, dark skinned, funny, sweet, and a microbiology major- 1 semester left in school.  I know, I know, be shocked! For the first time in her ENTIRE LIFE, Sara likes a boy who actually has something going for him.  Although I truly feel that the weirdest part of this situation is that this guy actually likes me back.  He knows I'm completely insane yet he sees something worth having.  Anyways... He lives in Pullman while he finishes up school then he is not too sure where he's going afterwards.  He'll apply to some labs and such and figure it out then.  I really have no idea what he's talking about when he explains what sort of microbiology he does. Boy #2 is a skater, buuuut before you discriminate let me finish.  He works for a car parts place and goes to Edmonds Community College.  Last night he took me out to see a movie, he picked me up, made me dinner, paid for my movie and snacks and took me home.  AND DIDN'T TRY ANYTHING SLICK!!! Which makes me feel special.  I'm not sure if I'm stupid for feeling this way though.  He's funny, slightly weird, really good at skating, speaks a couple languages (although not fluently), he's also a military brat, good looking, and TADA! passed my best friend's scrutiny.

so that's all I have to say tonight, fortunately writing this blog semi made me tired enough to possibly pass out... How was that for a non-sensical sentence?  booo ya i'll be back tomorrow